A visit to himself !

Monday evening, a total devastating day for him.

Actually this was going on from past few weeks; his days were full of struggle. From past one or two weeks, Rohan didn't get a nice sleep nor did Rohan have a complete diet. 24 X 7 his mind was full of thoughts. Rohan used to stay in his office cabin, staring his desktop, work was getting piled up. Rohan was struggling to set things right. Why people behave like kids sometimes? Why don't they see the farther good? Why are they sometimes so adamant? Why they are so egoistic? These were the questions haunting him.

Monday night, the patience broke, his mental castle which was supposed to be strong, simply collapsed, no one to talk to, no one to share his feelings with, and no one to support. Rohan found he was alone against the world. It's easy to tell others their mistakes but when it comes to the closed ones, you are screwed! You can fight the whole world if your closed ones are with you, but it's like hell to rise up against your closed ones, even if you know you are right. Rohan was reading those motivational books from past few weeks, because Rohan knew somewhere Rohan needed them, Rohan needed to stay calm and composed, Rohan needed to face the situation, Rohan needed to deal with situation and to come up with what is right, Rohan needed to be strong from within.

But trust me; what is written in the books is not so easy to follow. He read Monk who sold his ferrari, Bhagwad gita, Karmayoga and numerous articles to clear his vision and to keep himself on the right track. But that night, it all went in vain.

Time : 11:10 p.m, Monday

Rohan was in office, about to complete the night shift and preparing to go home. He didn't pick up a needle in office that day. Out of 8 hours of office, for 5-6 hours he was on phone, talking to people, trying to make them understand, trying to convince them, and trying to mend their adamant behaviour. But this all was useless, no fruitful result. He was completely upset, in a very bad mood, total dilemma; he just wanted to go to his room and needed a bath and some peace, so that he could get back to it again with full vigor. Suddenly his phone rang up, as he picked up, the rigid voice and once again harsh words came and the phone call was disconnected. It took him few seconds to understand what just happened. Rohan was shocked. Words were flashing in front of him. Dark night appeared darker. It was a like a tsunami in his mind. By the time Rohan could understand what just happened, after a few minutes later, another call, that was of his mother, explaining about things and all. After that what she said, Rohan was unable to understand. His mind was choked. Harsh words, myriad thoughts. This was all in his mind. Nothing was going in, nothing was coming out.

The night, the office environment, the stairs, the sky, all appeared to be like some dream. It was like a painting drawn in front of him. His mind was somewhere else; He was unable to see what was in front of him. His eyes were seeing something, but his mind was unable to grasp that. His mind was full of so many thoughts, that he was unable to realize where he was going, what he was doing, why he was doing. He felt like choking, unable to breathe, for that he went outside, without a slightest thought that in 20 minutes, he had to leave the office. He started walking timidly towards the gate, forgot to lock his desktop. On the gate watchman asked him, "Sir did you punch out?". Rohan had no answer for that. He forgot that he did or not, so he did it again and went out. In the same condition Rohan reached to the gate of his society. The path from the gate of the society to his room appeared to be longer than usual. He felt as if he was walking for hours, although it was just 5 minutes walking distance. After reaching home, he forgot his usual routine of changing clothes and taking a bath, this time he just fall on the bed, with the shoes on, lying on bed, staring the roof, myriad thoughts in his head, making him mad. One part of him was trying to console him, make him calm down and be normal, the other counterpart was raising all those thoughts again and again. That's what a big problem with a working brain. It doesn't let one to stay calm and composed. He was lying there for about half an hour. Again his phone rang, but he didn’t want to pick it up, he left it ringing. He opened his face book and left a message to his younger brother, “tell everyone not to disturb me, I am not in a state to talk to anyone, I just need sometime alone”. This was quite rare occasion as far I know Rohan. Again phone rang, this time it was his mother, he avoided it for 7-8 times. But finally he picked up the phone and replied before she could speak anything, “please leave me alone for some time, I am tired of all this, I am asking 24 hours from my life, so don’t call me I won’t pick”. Having said this, he threw the phone away. Staring at the roof, thinking about what was going on, why it was all happening, what was solution of all that. Room lights dim, fan slowly moving, as if world was also mourning with him. I was shocked to see him in this state, a guy who was so strong mentally, always ready to solve problems whether it’s his or others, that day was tired of his own life.  Many suicidal tendencies started creeping in his mind, but he was trying to avoid them. Thoughts are thoughts, once they creep in your head, they just grow bigger, multiply themselves and the worst part the thoughts which one is trying to avoid comes first in the queue. He kept himself away from stupid thoughts of hanging himself and jumping off the roof. The clock was continuously ticking. Two, three, four, five, hours passed, for him it was like decades. He went outside to relax in the lap of Mother Nature to keep his mind away from all that, but it too didn’t work.

Suddenly a splinter lit up in his mind. Suddenly an idea struck. He went back to bed, opened his laptop, and checked “Ashram nearby”. In the results, one result was, “bhagwat bhakti ashram, rewari”, 30 kms from his place. Something filled energy in him, he was rejuvenated. He opened his bag, took a photo frame carrying a photo of an Indian old monk, putting it in the bag and closed it. again something striked, he went to bedroom to change, but he was not there to get ready to visit some place, instead he put on his daily clothes, the tshirt and the track pants. Carrying his bag, the lonely lad strolled the street. He went to cab driver and impatiently asked, “Rewari chalna hai” , for which he replied, “kab chalna hai?” . Driver was shocked at his reply, “abhi”. He stood up staring at the boy and the voyage started. His mind was still full of thoughts, but his face was still calm, no one could possibly make a slightest guess about what happened last night. Rohan was busy gazing outside, looking at the fields, busy roads, people going here and there, busy with their lives. Everyone so much stuck in his or her own life, that they didn't have the time to look at the person walking by their sides. Vendors were busy in making money, vehicles honking, in the small gully between the two cars, motorcycles driver trying to make their own way, everybody was in hurry except him. He left his busy life behind. As the city crossed and the highway began, the density of the vehicles and the people reduced. Open fields, stray dogs, few dhabas, were only scenic features present. Cab was moving fast, but for him time had been slowed down. As the chariot entered the city, the driver asked, ”rewari me kaha jaana hai” .To which he replied very calmly, “Rampura me bhagwat bhakti aashram” . Driver was amused at this statement. He looked the young boy sitting beside him and then looked back to the way paved ahead. Driver enquired about where the place and after a long 15-20 minutes of struggle, they reached the place. The driver was still unable to understand, why a city boy like him came down to this worn out place in a remote area.

The huge gate, with the year written on the wall, was boasting that it was made before India got freedom. As they went a little inside, the place was completely deserted. No sign of any person. Small temples on the sides, wildly grown grasses, natural trees unlike our artificially grown trees in the city, peacocks on the branches, bunch of parrots making soft sounds. Rohan stepped out side the cab, it was so silent, so peaceful, unlike the city life, no cars honking, no motorcycles roaring sounds, no item songs sounds, everything was natural. Only sounds were that of leaves fluttering due to wind and the natural habitat. He left the cab and the driver behind, and went inside a temple, as if leaving his normal life behind, he was feeling a little light. A wallet or a watch was even heavy for him to bear. It was lord shiva temple, he sat down there and prayed, the most distinct one I have ever heard, “god do whatever is right, and give me courage to fight for it, please purify my mind and help me in removing all the cobwebs in which I am stuck in.” People usually pray to ask for success and money and worldly things. Within few minutes he stepped outside and started searching something. He took few steps inside the ashram to explore it. It was as if god heard him, an old lady who was sweeping the old leaves fallen from the trees, asked, “kya dhuund rhe ho?” In his mind, Rohan whispered, “Peace”, but he replied, “Mandir”. She pointed to a big building, smiling. As he stepped in, it was a magnificent two storied white building with lots of door. He went forward with a little shyness. Suddenly another old figure appeared in front of him, “mandir ka raasta idhar se hai”.

As he stepped inside that building, it was divinely peaceful, no negative thoughts were in his mind now, it was so calm. Although nobody was in the big hall, only status in the middle of hall had a charm in itself. He went slowly towards it, bent down to it, saying “please give me some peace”. He roamed about a little to explore the place and finally sat down in the corner. The environment was so pure that one couldn’t think about anything evil there.

Rohan was sitting in the hall, resting by the wall, eyes closed. Now that was time to solve problems, pick each thought at a time and resolve it. He picked one, series of chained thoughts started coming. But the strangest thing that happened was that answers to his problems were coming to his minds, he was arguing within himself and answering was coming automatically. It was like he was meditating. To his most difficult problems, solution was there in his mind.

At that time I realized a very important and basic thing, everything is in our brain, we just need a match to ignite the fuel. When the apple fell on Newton’s head, Newton came up with Gravitational theory. It was not due to apple nor due to earth or something else, everything was there earlier also and will remain there only. It was the great scientist brain, in which the knowledge was already there, it was the match which ignited a fire and he managed to interlink his previously acquired knowledge and wove a world renowned theory. Everything is inside us. We are one intelligent being, but it all remains dormant inside us. We need to bring it up. That was happening to Rohan at that time, his dormant positive thoughts were waking up and giving answers to his dilemmas and confusions.

He was sitting in the perfect meditating posture. The clock was ticking and when he opened his eyes, he realized that he was sitting in that posture for more than 2 hours. Everything was sorted, every question was answered, his energy was back, his will was stronger than before, his face was now calm and his mind was even calmer. He stood up, with the folded hands and went in front of the statue and whispered, “thank you, please help me in keeping my mind away from evil thoughts and rest everything is yours”.

He walked back leisurely not timidly, this time he was enjoying the birds chirping, the peacocks hopping from one branch to another, the two parrots on a branch either fighting over food or kissing. He went back to the cab and asked the driver to drive back to the city. He was now ready to face it all again and this time with more vigor. He was prepared. Driver asked very slowly ,”log to mall ghuumne ya airport jaate hai, aap yaha…” . he smiled slowly understanding the dilemma of the driver and replied softly, ”kabhi kabhi duniya se kaam se aur pareshaaniyoo se door jake kuch samay sirf apne saath bitaana chahiye” and smiled.

On the way back home, he was thinking about the pure environment which sometimes back he experienced. His mind was calm and no thoughts were there.